Animal Jokes
Q: Why were they worried when they didn’t find the horse in his stall?
A: Because they thought he was unstable.
Breakfast and Other Meals
What’s a ghost’s favorite pasta?
Bucatini (Boo-catini)
Date of Origin: July 13, 2022 in Twin Peaks, CO
Sunday Morning Talk Over a Fresh Batch of Belgian Waffles
I wonder if a group of lions ate a baseball team if any of them would complain about the consistency of the batter.
Being on a low-FODMAP diet is hard. Like, I think I’m allowed to read a novel by Edgar Rice Burroughs, but can’t read Wil Wheaton’s blog.
Hey everyone: stop wasting perfectly good parts of the toma. I know the legs and flanks aren’t as tasty, but it’s so wasteful to just eat toma toes.
I want to write a book about how to prepare stir fry over a bar-b-que for people at a picnic.
I would call it, “A wok in the park.”
Date of origin: March 30, 2022 while doing dishes post our stir fry tofu dinner
Recallin’ the Classics
So my friends Kay and William Brown both want to change their names. Kay has decided on Sarah, and isn’t going to wait for her husband to make up his mind. In other words,
Kay será Sarah,
Whatever Will B. will be…
Date of origin: October 1, 2021
Business Ideas
This would be a weird career move for me, but I’m contemplating opening a steam bath company (for men only; sorry ladies). I’d name it Sano, of course. Just trying to live by the old maxim: men’s sauna, incorporate Sano.
Date of origin: March 27, 2021
I want to open an entire shopping center. It’d have a pasta restaurant, an art store, a dessert bakery, and a dog grooming salon.
They’d be named Oodles of Noodles, Oodles of Doodles, Oodles of Strudels, and Oodles of Poodles. The shopping center would be named the Caboodle of Oodles.
David’s Dictionary
Aspen: A corral for donkeys. [Ass pen] July 13, 2022
Date of Origin: July 13, 2022 in Twin Peaks, CO
Deciphering: If we put Aggie’s parents in a house with David’s parents and the next day David’s parents have vacated then we can say we have “De-Sypher’d” the house.
Wouldn’t it be terrible if your last name was Construed and people would call you Miss Construed?
The French mafia is handing out weapons:
“Renée, pistol!”
“François, rifle!”
“Jacques, uzi!” But then Jacques goes and jumps in a hot tub (jacuzzi).
Macademia nuts: Professors who are really zealous about getting their universities to adopt Apple computers.
Date of origin: October 3, 2021
If you show signs of becoming Canadian, does that make you “eh symptomatic”?
Date of origin: March 28, 2020
David’s Pictionary
Juxtapose: to place close together or side by side, especially for comparison or contrast. JUXT: a pose.
Date of origin: September, 2021
Just Very Random Questions He Blurts Out from Time to Time
Q: What do you say to a candle that’s just been lit?
A: I see you’ve met your match.
Date of origin: March 24, 2018 (The Witty Version)
Below came about when I read back above question to him several years after cause he usually forgets his pun and a new, naughty version came about:
Q: What do you say to a candle that’s just been lit?
A: Do you wanna get blown?
Date of origin: March 24, 2022 (The Naughty Version)
Do you think people who oppress their feelings of anger and frustration pride themselves on bottling it at the source?
Date of origin: February 5, 2017
Q: What would you call a meal of beef and little blue people?
A: Smurf ‘n Turf
Date of origin: January 10, 2021
Q: Why did the silver utensils get upset when the stainless utensils moved in on the block?
A: Because stainless steals.
Date of origin: February 25, 2017
David: Why don’t we ever eat air beef?
Agnes: [Holds back a sigh and braces herself for silliness.]
David: We eat ground beef. Why not air beef?
Agnes: I dunno, the decision is still up in the air about that.
Date of origin: November 14, 2021 while packaging ground beef to be frozen
Extreme Dorkiness Abounds
There was a duo of sheep singers and they wanted to add an instrument to make it sound like a band and there was of course only one choice for the instrument: tuba.
(Two baa)
For the Love of Words
If Chewy decided to start taking bets on things but he only traded in desserts then he would be a Wookiee cookie bookie.
After Chewy scored the job someone asked him if they could go to bed with him. If they did they could get some Wookiee cookie bookie nookie.
A guy named Barry sells summer fruit, but gets vitamin B1 deficiency. His doctor advises him to kill that disease, or to bury berry Barry beriberi.
A paw full of falafel would be awful on a waffle.
Date of origin: January 8, 2021
Conversations That Actually Happened
David: What if they made a bowl for dogs that just keeps on feeding food to the dog?
Me: But they already do make such bowls for pets.
David: No, but this one wouldn’t be on a timer, it would just keep replenishing the bowl.
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how some of the current ones work.
David: Well, they should rethink their marketing game and name them insatiabowls.
Date of origin: October 7, 2021
Agnes: Major didn’t dig much when he was a puppy.
David: You mean minor Major wasn’t a major miner?
Date of origin: sometime in 2016
David: You know that I plan on needing a lot of dill you planted.
Agnes: Why?
David: Because of my lifelong dream to make dilldough.
Date of origin: Summer of 2016
Agnes: Someone recommended a sappy love story to me.
David: Is it called Love on the Maple Farm?
Date of origin: August 6, 2017
David: What if they made a bowl for dogs that just keeps on feeding food to the dog?
Me: But they already do make such bowls for pets.
David: No, but this one wouldn’t be on a timer, it would just keep replenishing the bowl.
Me: I’m pretty sure that’s how some of the current ones work.
David: Well, they should rethink their marketing game and name them insatiabowls.
Date of origin: October 7, 2021
The “I Haven’t Figured out What Category to Place Them In” Jokes
What if the Grim Reaper came to your sleepover and you did each other’s hair?
Then you could say you had a brush with death.
Date of origin: December 28, 2016
What is the Grim Reaper’s favorite hairdo?
Deadlocks (dreadlocks)
Date of origin: April 2, 2017 and was inspired by reading above joke
There was a monk who was a cook and he was into profound philosophical discussions.
He was a deep friar. (Deep fryer)
Date of origin: April 2, 2017
If they were to make a professional pool playing Barbie then she’d have her own Barbie-cue.
Date of origin: September 19, 2021
Hey everyone: stop wasting perfectly good parts of the toma. I know the legs and flanks aren’t as tasty, but it’s so wasteful to just eat toma-toes.
Recallin’ the Classics
So my friends Kay and William Brown both want to change their names. Kay has decided on Sarah, and isn’t going to wait for her husband to make up his mind. In other words,
Kay será Sarah,
Whatever Will B. will be…
Date of origin: October 1st, 2021
Those Not Quite So Appropriate Jokes (proceed with some amount of caution)
What if I starred in a comedy show with a lot of dick jokes?
I’d call it Ha-Penis!
Do you know where to hear the best dick jokes?
On the Ha-Penis cruise liner! Cause happiness is a journey and not a destination.
Date of origin: December 2019
–Inspired by this hanging on our cabin wall in Ashford while visiting Mount Rainier:
If you had a potato shaped like a penis you could call it a dictator.
Date of origin: December 30, 2021
What if I owned a store that had dog breeding and yard care supplies?
I’d call it Bitches and Hoes!
If Lucifer had a brother…
–who nailed Jesus to a cross. Would he be called Crucifer?
–who liked to garden. Would be called Growcifer?
In ancient Egypt you had to clarify whether somebody’s father was going through gender conversion therapy or whether they died and have been embalmed. Because they would just say, “my daddy’s a mummy.”
Date of origin: December 20, 2016
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